Soon enough...

Soon enough I'll have a little tiny itty bitty life to cuddle and snuggle and hold, and I'm ecstatic. I'd be lying if I mentioned there weren't moments where I doubted whether or not I am up to all the challenges, but I'd also be lying if I didn't state, point blank, that I do know, believe and have faith that God will provide everything we need to be the parents He's called us to be. My spiritual director said I'm not only capable of being this little girl's Mom, but chosen. I think that is so beautiful, I feel unworthy of it, but at the same time I feel so aware that God didn't want anyone else to be her Mom...only me. Wow.

I say this is all going to happen "soon enough" but at the moment I'm feeling and wondering WHEN it's EVER going to happen. Two days away from my due date, I feel so antsy and anxious and ready. And doubtful and hopeful at the same time...that it really will be soon!

Oh, how I hope it's soon enough.

Ash Wednesday

I'm not even going to mention that we jumped from baby ducks back to Lent. Really... But, I am going to just jump back in and start blogging again. I'm also not going to think about all the sad things that I missed commenting on and sharing in this past year...

-like being pregnant with our first baby. As of today my due date is in 16 days

-like selling my condo and our first home together and moving to a new house.

-like going to Italy and having the best time with my best friend.

-like all of the lovely daily moments that make a year filled with friends and memories.

I'm just going to capture what I can and move on. It's Ash Wednesday and one of the elements to my fasting, praying and almsgiving is going to be blogging. I work from home, I spend a lot of time at my computer working and a lot of time "working" (aka: reading other blogs, surfing the Internet, browsing and shopping online.) I think in many ways this is born out of a need to connect. I read other people's blogs and feel connected, but I really do think it would be so much greater to *actually* connect with people by sharing my own story. So, thus I begin. Again.

For Lent this year I'm also going to focus on practicing temperance when it comes to purchasing. The past few months have been a frenzy of buying. I've been nesting for 9 months (though my husband says I nest all the time regardless of whether I'm pregnant.) There really has been so much to do prepare and get ready, but I've felt called to spend Lent taking pause and asking, "Do I really need this?" and "Can I do without?"

And, I also believe I'll be sacrificing sleep for Lent. Our sweet little girl is due in just about two weeks so while I'm certainly doing something for Lent, I also tend to think that the adjustment and transition we're about to embark on is going to be many opportunities for sacrifices, big and small. I know one day I'll be a little sad that my little girl's birthday is during Lent, but in so many ways I think it's such a special time to have a baby and to be born. It's like she's coming at the beginning of a new start, a new spring and a time where we're all really making an effort to grow closer to Christ.

i'm back and it's EASTER!

To begin with, the cutest Easter present I've ever gotten!  Well, second.  When I was five I got a "REAL LIVE BUNNY!"  I was very excited, I've seen the video to prove it.  But, Chris got me these adorable too cute to eat baby ducks!!!!

SO cute....Well, it's been forever since I updated...well, forever and a day!  Happy Easter!  I had one of the best Easter's ever, so much joy, so much love and so much closer to Jesus.  I feel like I took some really big "baby" steps to Jesus.  It was a beautiful Lent and ended with a beautiful Triduum weekend.  Loved it.  This weekend is Chris and I's first anniversary so I think I'll spend some time this week sharing our story...oh, where to begin...!  :)

a different story

This article mentions me briefly, and it also served a great purpose to get me really thinking about where my songs come from.  I'm full-fledged in the process of writing again, though I haven't completed a song for the upcoming album.  But, I'm thinking and brewing and jotting things down all the time.  And praying....lots and lots of praying!!  In the past writing has been an incredibly tedious and somewhat painful process for me.  I'll admit, I'm really hoping that things are different this time.  I really am.  

But, regardless, the article has me thinking about where my songs come from and how they (essentially) get here.  Every song has a different story -- kinda like children.  From the time we're in our mother's wombs' our stories begin and they are always, always, always different from our friends, siblings, strangers...they make us unique!  A friend of mine is giving birth today, and I'm anxiously awaiting to meet the little one.  But, we had a great conversation a few weeks ago about how her feelings and responses were different than they were with her first child.  But, it makes sense...this little tyke's story is beginning and it's already completely and totally his (or her) own.  Amazing, so that's my reflections on my songs.  They're kinda like that...

my writing assignment

I was asked to complete a writing assignment for some promotional pieces.  We're currently doing a radio promotional campaign you can check out here.  It's taken me all week, or, rather a few weeks I suppose, but I finally finished the devotional.  I'm going to post it below, it's roughly a mission statement for my ministry and music.  Enjoy.

We are called to shine! Each and every one of us has different gifts, dreams, and desires. I used to think that doing God's will meant I needed to be suffering, and if loved what I was doing then it must not be God's will. I still remember the moment my Dad sat with me in a moment of desperate confusion and told me that, more than anything, God wanted me to be happy. It was like a light bulb went off in my soul! The gifts He'd given me were how He wanted me to serve others. He wanted me to use my gift of song, and the joy I had in doing so meant I was on the right path! It may seem so simple, but it truly rocked my world. I had been set free to find my own path and follow His will for my life.

Every part’s a little different, every heart beats its own way
He has given us the freedom, use our gifts to radiate
Free to be, free to shine, free to give our entire lives
Oh nothing is by chance,
Yeah, Yeah, let’s shine our radiance

These lyrics from “Radiance” rang true at a concert recently while I was performing. It was an intimate setting, and the people present ranged in age from 3 to 83. I was so touched by God's beauty in the diversity and was aware that everyone there brought with them their own gifts, dreams, desires, hopes, concerns, and fears. The 83-year-old woman came an hour early to the concert because she was concerned if she went home she wouldn't get out again... there was a three-year-old that played my tambourine and made everyone smile... and there was a man who wept when I mentioned the economy and encouraged those struggling with unemployment to trust that God has a plan for our lives even, and maybe especially, in the midst of our pain. No matter where we are, who we are, or how old we are, God has a plan for our lives and calls us to shine His light!

7 quick takes friday

1. Stolen

Last night I watched "The Changeling."  I saw that Angelina Jolie was up for best actress and it sounded interesting.  A woman loses her child and he's not the same when he comes home.  I was intrigued.  Instead, I feel like some of my innocence was stolen.  I probably should have stopped watching it because it upset me so much, but instead I distracted myself with Wurdle on my iphone when I was feeling scared.  More disturbing that it was a true story.  In the 1920's apparently the LAPD were real jerks and full of power.  They locked women up in mental facilities (horrible ones!) whenever things were inconvenient or when they needed to save face. The side stories were too horrible to repeat...On one hand I could hear someone saying that it was educational, but it's now on the list of movies that I wish I had never ever seen.  The only moment I can compare it to was when I was a freshman in high school - a friend said that the movie "Seven" was awesome.  I knew nothing about it, and at the end of a horrible two hour event where my eyes were closed most of the time I declared, "WHY did you let me watch that?"  I don't think she got it.  Next time I'll be more careful what I choose to watch.

2. Mother Teresa

I redeemed my evening by reading some of the latest book about Mother Teresa.  It is incredibly good and unbelievably refreshing.  It's drawing me closer and closer to a greater desire for holiness.  Just what the saints usually do!

3. Chuck E. Cheese

Chris and I are watching our friends kids for the night tomorrow and we're super excited!  My good friend is pregnant with her fourth baby and she's going to go downtown for a night away with her husband.  Maybe it's because we don't have kids of our own yet (though I don't think so, we LOVE these little guys!!!)  but we are super excited to have fun with them for a night.  We're going to go to Chuck E. Cheese with them and accomplish a whole list of other fun things.  The oldest and I made the list together.  WE are going to be BUSY!

4. Keeping our Priests alive

I'm having two of my favorite and dearest priest friends over for dinner tonight, and it also happens to be one of their birthdays we're celebrating!  So, I had quite the challenge.  It's a birthday (feast day) so it needed to be special, it's Lent, so I no meat.  One is allergic to shellfish and the other to citric acid.  If you've never heard of such a thing check out the labels on just about *every* canned item.  Not to mention tomatoes, lemons, etc...  I don't know how he does it, but I'm not going to be the one to send one of them to the emergency room.  I think I've got a menus that will work, pray for me!

5. My first quick take Friday.

This is it, I think I like it.  Or, I'm running out of quick takes...

6. Songwriting.

I need to turn some of these ramblings into songs.  I'm starting to feel panicked that I won't get inspired ASAP.  That's one of the main offerings for Lent from Chris and I as a married team...we're writing at least one night a week.  It's overwhelming...but more on that later.  

7. Man Cold

Chris has been sick most of the week, he just started feeling better last night.  I shouldn't tease him as much, but this youtube video as been a source of a lot of joking since we got married.  It's hilarious, I think...  But, I DO need to be more sensitive to him.  He's sweet and courageous and more often than not rallies through everything in life.  Everyone should be allowed a time to "meltdown" and be free to heal.  He CERTAINLY gives that to me with utter sincerity and compassion.  But the video is still hilarious.

Okay, now go check out Jennifer at www.conversiondiary.com.  She hosted this way fun excercise!!!

Prayer, Fasting and Almsgiving

Tomorrow is Lent and I'm certainly ready for it.  I feel unfocused and un-sober in my waiting and watch for God's presence in my life.  I know that I often turn to worldly things when my heart is seeking to rest in God alone.  Like, when I get that late afternoon slump and I often think, "Maybe I should quit working at the computer and take a moment in prayer..." or even, "maybe I should take a rest and read a bit..." or even, "maybe I should take a small rest..."  And instead, like a productive American, I reach for my friend to the left...  

I love diet coke, I do.  It gives me a boost in the afternoon that I often need (or think I need, perhaps I would be way more energized from a short time in prayer) and is more often than not the answer to my sweet tooth when I'm trying my very best to eat healthy.  I read all the time that water would make one less hungry, have more energy, sleep better, and in general help the body run much more healthfully.  I would rather have a diet coke.  I told a group of kids last night (at a Lenten concert) that it isn't candy or soda that is bad, or even not good --  but Lent is for taking the time to know that the good things in life have their place.  And that place should be WELL below our priority of God.  So, when I'm wanting  a diet coke I'll be thinking.... "oh goodness, I sure love diet coke...but God, I love you more!"  So, diet coke is my fasting.

As for alms giving and prayer, no less important, I am recommitting to finding a fixed time once a week to spend in adoration.  That's prayer.  And when I go to the grocery store I'll be buying baby food (one of the high desired items) for the food pantry.  That's alms giving.  I've prayed about this, and as is typical on every Ash Wednesday I will beg God one last time that if I'm to do something different He will tell me ASAP.  

I have some more ideas and thoughts, but I'm going to pray about them a bit more.  I tend to start Lent out in an over-zealous, "I'm going to change it all in the next 40 days...!!!!!" and then I fall flat on my face by the first fish fry.  So....easy does it.  I'll let you know if I add anything else.